Life

[Nachimir]

Plenty of eye contact, smiling and attention can do the trick. Obviously, overdoing or faking them makes people look like psychos though.

Touching people too, but learning to do it in the right and appropriate ways can be very difficult. Watching people in nightclubs (I worked in one once), I've seen them hesitating at just the wrong moment, turning it into something awkward and/or creepy.

PiratePoo is right about confidence. Most people are attracted to it, and again, that's something that goes well beyond your romantic life.

[Squid Division]

My advice would be to act how you normally act and do what you normally do, and eventually you'll meet someone though that, and they'll have the same interests usually. Men and women really aren't that different and there's just as much a chance that if you're nervous/attracted/whatever, they're feeling it too - so once you've got something started/a few dates in just be frank. I'm way too awkward to be suave, so I'm pretty upfront. This usually comes off as confidence to them. Just be honest and frank and believe in what you're saying and it'll come out however it's supposed to.

[MrHoatzin]

It is really hard to look back and think of how I did it. But everyone is giving you really sound advice. Women = men. Tips and tricks = dumb, counterproductive. Be you, WYSIWYG = FTW. Etc.

Go to places where Group Things Are Done that Appeal To Your Interests (concerts, coffeeshops, art openings, lectures, ice skating rinks, whatever)—there, People Like You congregate and it's easier to find compatible matches. A friend of mine met his current girlfriend at a spelunking club meet. They expressed interest in one another by scribbling notes in guano laced muck at a bottom of some cave—"I kindof like you," + "I kindof like you too", or whatever, I don't remember the details. But the bottom line is, they're both super dorky people and it was a super silly thing to do in a supper silly place, it was all improv by relaxed people, and they hit it off from there.

The very fact that you're asking for advice means that you're anxious. Don't be. It is a very unstructured process. And frankly, the fact that the girl is in a serious relationship shouldn't discourage you. When I met my wife, she was in a serious relationship that obviously wasn't, even though she presented it as such...

[Patters]

Listen to Nachimir, he still has relationships even though he pushes women into muddy rivers.

[ThunderPeel2001]

Simple stuff GC. It sounds like you're probably not doing anything wrong, you're just not meeting enough new people? Being yourself. Check. Not just trying to get into her pants. Check. Are you genuinely taking an interest in what she has to say and who she is? (Genuinely, not faking it.) Taking a real interest in someone you find interesting is definitely important, and if it's right, then it'll feel comfortable and easy between the two of you. Don't bother pushing something that clearly isn't working... you'll get discouraged and disheartened, and it's pointless.

Existential subjects are okay, but they're not very personal. They don't show that you're someone who's actually interested in who she is... and if you're not, how will you discover if you like her not? (Maybe she strangles kitten as a hobby?? Maybe she helps the homeless on the weekends...)

Making someone laugh is great, but it's more important to be genuinely interested in them. If she seems cool, and you're getting on, she probably has a boyfriend. Lol. (Sorry, just a joke - but it does happen a lot.) If there's some sparks after getting to know her a bit (ie. you get on and she seems like a cool person) suggest going for a drink sometime. Doesn't have to be more than as friends. Suggesting going for a drink with some you've just had a cool conversation with isn't really a big deal (although it can feel like one when you build it up in your head).

She'll probably give you her number, or Facebook or something, and you've just made yourself a new friend. Cool.

A few days later, or whatever, suggest going for a drink or something casual like that (maybe invite her to a party?). If she says yes, just go and have fun, and see how you get on. If there's still a mutual interest, it'll be obvious. If it's not obvious, then there probably isn't one, and you've just made a new friend. Great, friends are good - and you might meet more people through her. Cool.

If it feels right, it'll be more and more obvious and not confusing, and it gets easier from there. Eventually you'll meet someone who you click with, and it'll feel totally natural.

Good luck

Don't be afraid of failure. Don't get disheartened. Every step is a lesson, and you'll definitely get there and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Edited November 12, 2010 by ThunderPeel2001

[MrHoatzin]

If this is all too complicated—and who has the time to go through all this rigamarole!—you might as well just go to a girlfriend shop and buy one. Don't go to one of those big-box places that sell girlfriends from the girlfriend mills, talk to a small scale breeders. Make sure to take her out for a walk, see if you get along. Play a game or something. Remember, a girlfriend is a huge responsibility and not for the faint of heart.

[Garple]

If this is all too complicated—and who has the time to go through all this rigamarole!—you might as well just go to a girlfriend shop and buy one. Don't go to one of those big-box places that sell girlfriends from the girlfriend mills, talk to a small scale breeders. Make sure to take her out for a walk, see if you get along. Play a game or something. Remember, a girlfriend is a huge responsibility and not for the faint of heart.

Shut up please, sir.

[MrHoatzin]

Shut up please, sir.

Hey everyone else was being constructive (including, I felt, me above), so whatever.

[Garple]

Hey everyone else was being constructive (including, I felt, me above), so whatever.

You were until your most recent post, IMO...hence my reaction.

[Orv]

You were until your most recent post, IMO...hence my reaction.

It was a tad bit more crass than is acceptable concerning the fairer sex.

(Though my robotic maid is looking pretty awesome these days. I mean wait. . .)

[Thyroid]

I usually dislike giving personal advice o'er the in'ernet, but the one very useful realization I ever had about girls was that the best way to get their attention is to start paying attention to yourself. That's lame. But! But...it's true.

Feel like you should do more exercise? Fuck it, go to the gym.

You like painting? Think you should do more of it? Get started!

Do you like to write, but feel you're not up to your own standards? Sharpen your pencil and get to it.

My point is that you ought to do what you love to do. Working on yourself will make you a bit more attractive to any potential love-interests. It'll happen automatically.

Just do it.

[brkl]

Definitely the hardest bit was learning to stop building up stuff in my head. Asking someone out is not a big deal, it happens all the time. There's no reason to be embarrassed about it. Also, getting turned down is not a big deal either. Always disappointing, but you just move on.

Also, I was hopeless two years ago when I was your age, now I'm not nearly as crap with this stuff!

[DanJW]

Definitely the hardest bit was learning to stop building up stuff in my head. Asking someone out is not a big deal, it happens all the time. There's no reason to be embarrassed about it. Also, getting turned down is not a big deal either. Always disappointing, but you just move on.

Also, I was hopeless two years ago when I was your age, now I'm not nearly as crap with this stuff!

Yeah, this. Not doing the lame "chatting up" stuff is all fine, but eventually you have to do the scary hard part and actually ask a girl out. Very few will do it for you. Just keep it simple; "would you like to go out for a drink* sometime?" works perfectly well.

*or coffee, or lunch, if you don't or can't drink

[miffy495]

Last thing I'm going to say on the matter (other than, to answer your question, yes I'm very serious with my girlfriend) is this: Allow potential relationships to fail. I should add that the girl who's birthday party I met my girlfriend at I only started hanging out with because a guy I worked with was trying to set the two of us up. We went on two dates, weren't feeling it, and just became casual friends instead. And yet, if I hadn't dated her ever so briefly, I never would have met the wonderful person I'm with. If something is a non-starter, that doesn't mean you failed. At least you'll be broadening your social circles.

[Garple]

Thanks for all the advice guys...I never would have even asked about that if I hadn't had a few too many beers and I feel kind of awkward about it now, but I figured you guys would have a good perspective due to being an eclectic group of intelligent dudes who tend toward being a little...um...offbeat (?) like myself. The responses were really valuable, so I'm glad I asked.

[dpp]

So I had a bunch of interviews in management consulting firms, as the only PhD candidate amongst MBAs... and it went much much better than I had ever anticipated. I got 2 job offers, one final round in Paris that I won't attend to and I just got eliminated from one firm in the middle of the process. It's good to know that there's life after a PhD in basic science besides research, and making pretty good money on top of it.

[Orv]

Not entirely sure where to put this, so shazow:

We have any SA forum members around here? If so, shoot me a PMz.

[Squid Division]

You know, this thread has a distinct lack of airport anal and dickbutt envy that the tags promise.

[Orv]

You know, this thread has a distinct lack of airport anal and dickbutt envy that the tags promise.

The stories I could tell you about the former would curl your latter.

Edited November 13, 2010 by Orvidos

[Orv]

So apparently they're making a Top Gear America.

I think I'll stick with the English version.

[Squid Division]

I'm open to Top Gear USA, but there's no way it could be as good as Clarkson/May/Hamster.

[Lu]

Got back from the US. Every time I come back home, the thought hits me that I don't want to be here, that I haven't really missed anything. I just want to turn around and go back and travel places, meet friends... It's kind of depressing to be back. This might be because some of my best friends are in America; I don't know. Already missing them.

[Sombre]

Met my girlfriends parents for the second time yesterday. Her mother cooked an amazing dinner, then I wow'ed them with a cake I brought from home, which was unbelivably delicious. I'm invited back. Everythings going great!

[Orv]

Met my girlfriends parents for the second time yesterday. Her mother cooked an amazing dinner, then I wow'ed them with a cake I brought from home, which was unbelivably delicious. I'm invited back. Everythings going great!

Good on ya! Keep it going at that rate and they'll like you. (God forbid. )

I'm open to Top Gear USA, but there's no way it could be as good as Clarkson/May/Hamster.

I hauled off and grabbed Hammond's autobiographies off Audible, because I fear I've come to enjoy his existence. Quite interesting.

[miffy495]

I put in my application for another year of University. Now that I have a bachelor's degree, I can go in for another two years to get my Bachelor of Education, so pending my acceptance, next fall I'll be starting the training to be an elementary school teacher. Kind of exciting to actually be getting shit on track. Lately it's been feeling like this year is the one in which I do all sorts of growing up, from graduating to moving in with my girlfriend next month, I figured even though the deadline isn't until April, I may as well go for it and get the rest of things on track. Maybe see if they have an early acceptance thing. With my 3.83 GPA, it shouldn't be too tricky. Exciting life things!